I think today I'm going to break from my standard mold of this is what happened and this is how I feel about it, and evaluate who/what I am and am not.
I often times get categorized as an 'innocent' young man. Don't misunderstand this as I'm a badass, but it simply is not the case. I do, however, play the role quite often. In fact, I love the role. Nothing is more of an ego boost than sliding your entire sorted past past another person. It makes me feel so clever. It's an arrogant, dickhead move. I'm not advocating that I run around the world stating that I used to be a whore and a heroin addict, but I suppose what I'm trying to examine is the fact that I may play the innocent role too often.
I've definitely gotten over the things that I've done in the past. They are exactly what they are, and there's no taking a delorian back to fix anything. I think that I should perhaps be more forthcoming with exactly how much of a wreck I can be at times. This isn't descriptive war stories or detailed explanations of my sexual exploits. It's simply embodying what I've gone through and being proud of the person I've become instead of playing a role which I'm not.
I should probably talk a bit about why I'm even talking about this. I had a unique experience over the past few days. I've found myself becoming more rooted in who I am. It's a great feeling, but concerning this particular topic (like most things in my life) is centered in a girl.
I don't have feelings for this girl whatsoever. Not even the slightest. The truth is that I've slept with this girl once. It wasn't premeditated or emotionally driven. It was sex pure and simple. Actually, that my be sort of untrue. It was probably centered more around validation. Anyway, the shorten version is that this girl came over last night to spend the night because of the snow. Naturally, my first instinct is to fuck her again. The strange thing is I didn't. I didn't. That's a strange statement for me. I wanted to fuck her in a purely physical way, but she is such a wreck that I couldn't and moreover I didn't even want to at a certain point.
I don't know if that seems weird or whatever, but it happened, and I am quite glad that I didn't sleep with her. I've been in such a strange funk that finally seems to be lifting, and this was a serious clearing for me. When it comes down to it, I'm still a junkie. I like sex, and I like the power I find in sex. Not controlling power, but sexual power....nothing weird. It gave me a strange sense of calm this morning followed by an immediate need to harness this energy and peace of mind. I ended up in Harrisburg.
Yeah, so there's my little rant. Life still isn't honky dory all the time, but this bit of clearing was a nice relief. I may still fall back into needing sex again; I can't say, but what I can say is that perhaps this blog will be a reminder as to what the right sexual behaviors sow.
Annnnnnnd, I'm out. Until next time, inner child of consciousness.
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