I didn't sleep well last night. This happens pretty frequently when I'm excited or worried. I was a bit of both last night. I'm going to buy the car I looked at yesterday. I'm very excited to have a car again. It's been over a year since I've had one. I'm also feeling a bit overwhelmed with worried about how things are going to turn out with it. So there's that.
I didn't go to Baltimore last night. The friend I was going with got very ill and was unable to go. I was pretty disappointed, but I'd much rather have my friend feel better than go on an adventure and have her be miserable. Another day? Absolutely!
So I also have Christmas with the family tonight. I know it's early, but I'm working on Christmas and they are going to be out of town visiting family. The strange thing about Christmas is that it's very stressful for everyone. I think even more so this year for some reason. My mother is a very calm, collected, cool-head woman, but the last few days she's been nothing but irritated and frustrated with everything surrounding Christmas. I've also noticed a bunch of other people in my life not having a very good holiday season. Another friend of mine is getting a divorce. Other people are stressed because they can't see their families. Maybe this is what comes from throwing my hatred for Christmas into the universe....I didn't mean for it to affect others, if that is the case. I just don't like Christmas myself. I'm not christian, so it means very little to me. All of the other principles surrounding it that I can agree with (good will towards (wo)men, selfless giving, helpfulness, etc.), shouldn't be limited to a time of year.
A bit of a sidenote for Christmas- I'm going to be spending it alone unless I decide to find somewhere I want to go. I think I'm ok with this, but it's hard to tell if I really am or if I'm just telling myself that to convince myself. I normally enjoy some alone time, but lately, I've been driving myself mad with my own crazy thoughts.
I talked a bit about Katerina and the winter we first me yesterday. Ironically enough, I ended up watching the movie that was playing when we first hung out at Chris's house. It was a completely unconscious decision on my part, but it played and with the season being what it is, it took me back there again. Maybe I'm just dying to feel that again? I don't know. This whole thing is kind of frustrating to me. I thought I had recovered from this relationship a long time ago, and maybe I did a little bit, but my thoughts and actions as of late have shown me a different story. I don't have the immense sadness and anger I once carried with me around the slightest thought of her. I just have plain nostalgia. I want that again. There's not even a sense of regret or would've/could've around what happened. It's so strange. Maybe I'm just losing my god damn mind, but I don't think that's it either. I just want to see her and find out if this is me fabricating how I feel about her or if I genuinely still carry these feelings around and need to express them in some other form than this blog that no one reads. We'll find out soon enough.
I think I'm going to conclude this post with a cigarette and with some thoughts on the energy of today. My energy started out very gloomy when I woke up a 6 a.m. and it's raining and dark with no sign of anything but a sense of doom and monotony. Things have since changed a bit. Not necessarily the weather, but certainly inside of me. I'm a bit more vibrant than I've been in a long time. I think it maybe have something to do with the fact that I'm buying a bit of freedom from York in the form of a car. I like the possibility of not being tied down to this place. There are people I love here, but I need something more sometimes. I need a city. Overall, the energy seems to be flowing in a more positive, electricfying direction. I hope it continues that way.
No comments:
Post a Comment