I find myself here again....strange. Apparently, things come full circle. Time to catch up I suppose.
It's been a pretty rough few months. It's kind of weird actually. I went back and reread my previous blog posts, and I seemed so confident and full of energy. That has waned a bit. I've managed to hold on to some ideas and feelings. Here's the breakdown of events (as I see them) that have happened since I've posted last:
1.) Relationship: I was in a relationship with a girl with whom I should not have been in a relationship with. I was very desparte for attention and needed love. The strange thing is that she was the first girl I've slept with in over a year (if you know me at all, you'll realize that it is a HUGE deal for me not to sleep with someone in 13 months). I honestly convinced myself that I wanted her and not the idea of what she represented. What did she represent? She represented my power and influence over people. I went into this relationship trying to fix everything for someone .... clearly, I was back to thinking that I'm capable of that. So here's the overall shorten version of what happened here. I managed to get this girl to like me....quite a bit when I was around her actually. Once that happened, I realized it wasn't even what I wanted out of a relationship. I didn't even really like her much at all. She was sick, new, nagging, suspicious, superficial, and a flirt. None of the things I actually want in a relationship. I tried to trudge on for awhile and make things work and make it what I wanted, but as I'm sure it's easy to see that didn't work...at all. I broke up with her the day after Thanksgiving under the guise of being mad at her for nagging me for going out with some friends. The truth is it was just the end of line. I couldn't make it work and I couldn't make myself feel. Saying it now, makes it seem cruel and maybe it was, but the pain I caused was unintentional.
2.) School: I had JUST started my semester when I opened this blog. It was a pretty easy semester all-in-all, but incredibly time consuming nonetheless. Now that finals are over, I can look back on the semester in a bit of a different light. I did very well for my first semester and my next semester is a bit heavier, but I'm excited. I found that when my feelings overcame me or my own mind hijacked my actions and thoughts into a void of spiraling chaos, that school provided a relief through distraction. It may not be the healthiest thing in the world, but it was effective and productive at times. I also managed to nail down a major which I think I'm going to pursue vigorously: philosophy. I realize the dangers of philosophy with a mind like mine, but I need it and love it.
School Sidenote: I actually managed to write my own philosophy down.
3.) Work: I'm not sure exactly what I was doing for a living when I started this...I think I was landscaping for the Smoorski. I really enjoyed that type of work. It was humbling and natural. However, seasons change as do jobs. The work dried up, so I found a new job working for a prestigous hotel. I serve banquets and bartend there as well. I enjoy the work for the most part. It's simple and elegant. Bartending is still probably my favorite thing to do there. It has personality and each bartend is different in that aspect. Maybe it's a power thing? I can't say for sure but there's a little of me in each drink I make. I suppose I should be happy that I take pride in my work.
Ok so now for the nitty gritty inside stuff which surrounds all of these outside things. I'm growing up plain and simple. My beliefs, thoughts, and feeling are constantly in flux. I can't say what I'm going to think or feel on any given day. Everything is changing almost on a daily basis. Here's what I have managed to figure out. I do want to find real love again. I say again since I've found it before (and strangely enough am going to see her again in a week or two). I find myself a bit worried about it on a daily basis. Somedays are worse than others. I feel alone often and get super worried about it. Here's the breakdown of my concern:
a.) My arrogance will be my downfall
b.) That I will never seek out anyone who is not damaged
c.) There's something wrong with me (not sure what but SOMETHING)
d.) I'll miss the oppurtunity
So yeah, that's a bit concerning, but I'm trying to do some things around that to make it a bit more managable.
Additionally, I've had some really strange super creative energy that I don't really know how to express. I think a lot about projects I could do, but I don't do them or know exactly what I want to accomplish. I guess there's only one way to find out!!
I think that is enough for now.
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