Another late night post ... who's surprised?
I think I may have fallen into a bit of a funk. I can't described it exactly, but I'll try my best to put it into words. As a whole, I've been extraordinarily unmotivated lately. I suppose it's a bit of a stall in my life where I feel defeated and like nothing I do pays off. I would guess this is what it feels like to be in the middle of accomplishing something. I tried really hard to force myself through it today and be super productive. It actually worked out relatively well. I had no motivation to do the things I did: school work, cleaning, and creating a resume, but I did them regardless. As a result, I feel a little accomplished and more like a normal productive human being.
I do however feel a level of disconnect from those I was once close to. I don't suppose things have changed that much, but I can feel myself drawing back. It's not intentional - I still love them, but it seems like that's what is happening. I think I just need sometime to myself away from people who are constantly giving their input in what I do or how I live. That input is valuable, but I think it has become time for me to learn for myself what works for me and what doesn't. As far as that goes, I think I am on the right path.
Furthermore, I'm attempting to live the life of a young adult in a relationship. This seems like a normal thing for most people, but the truth is I've never been in a relationship that had an semblance to normalcy. I've always been involved with girls (and I emphasize that they are girls and not young woman) who needed me. The only other alternative to those scenarios was Katerina. I can clearly see that the situation with Katerina was not a healthy functioning relationship as well. I suppose what all of this ranting is trying to say is that I'm trying very hard to function on a normal level instead of being absurdly arrogant or absurdly insecure (respective to aforementioned situations). Here's what I can say: this is the closest thing to real I've touch in quite awhile. Also, I keep mentioning normalcy, but I don't even know if this situation quite falls under normalcy. It's crazy and chaotic at times, but it's never chaotic in a negative light. When we're together, we're always having a good time and in the time we've been together (which I suppose is a little over a month at this point) we haven't had a single major blow out or been overly emotional as to what the other person has done. It's probably because it's so early in the relationship, but I think it also has to do with the fact that we respect each other as equals and thus would like to allow that person space to be an individual. I'm not sure what all of this means now that I'm reaching the end of the paragraph, but what I am sure of is that I meant every word I typed.
To be honest, I probably shouldn't even be on here right now, since I have class in the morning, but, alas, here I am anyway. I was actually going back and reading this blog as an entirety and looking at my growth as an individual. Looking back at one of the entries, I saw that I discussed briefly my choice not to sleep with someone and the rewards that came with that. I believe I said something along the lines of '... the rewards the right sexual behaviors sow.' I find myself looking at that perhaps with a grain of salt but with accuracy nonetheless.
I am fortunate enough to have found someone who loves sex just as much as I do. I think it may be fair to say that we have taken it a bit far at times (getting kicked out of clubs ... lude sex acts in operas), but the fact of the matter is that I'm not bored with her. I'm constantly challenged by her sexually, mentally, and emotionally. This is actually quite remarkable for me, since I have a habit of sleeping with girls then immediately pointing out their flaws, shortcomings, and a laundry list of reasons why I absolutely do not want to spend one more second with them. I'm happy, and that's the bottom line.
Ok, but, seriously, I'm going to bed.
Goodnight ramble place of my consciousness.
No comments:
Post a Comment